Why do We Worry?

Note: It’s hard to believe but it has been 10 years since I wrote this article for Health Action magazine. It was published in their fall edition in 2014. The organization HANS which was the owner of the magazine was dissolved during the pandemic. On this 10th anniversary, I feel it’s even more than ever for us to deal with this thing we call worrying. Thus I am posting the original article here.

The original article can be seen here.

Today I saw a new client who wanted hypnotherapy to help her stop worrying. As we talked and I thought about her issue, I realized how common it is for people to share her concern, to simultaneously worry and wish that they did not.

One part inside us wants to stop worrying because we realize it doesn’t make us feel good to worry. Worrying about something or someone brings a possibility in the future right into our here-and-now reality, on an emotional level. When we worry, we tell our future selves or our loved ones that we do not trust them in dealing with certain situations.

Yet we do not know how to stop worrying. We’ve all tried many different ways to manipulate circumstances so that we could stop worrying. Sometimes it works, but only temporarily. And then the worrying would creep back, and the relief wears out because the worrying self is still part of our identity.

The worrying-self as identity is strengthened by some unquestioned beliefs. An example of such a belief is: To be safe, one must control the unknown. Hidden associations can also strengthen these beliefs and help make worrying integral to our identity, such as: To let someone I love know that I worry is to show the person that I care.

We all live in the here-and-now and we all form ideas about what constitutes reality. Sometimes we confuse our ideas about reality with reality itself. What we think of as reality is based on our upbringing and learning from our experiences. As such, any ideas and opinions about reality can’t help but be subjective and judgmental.

Therefore, the eye reproduces; it does not see. The ear translates; it does not hear. When our ideas about reality are not in alignment with our desires, we think reality is bad and not one that we want to be in, instead of questioning our ideas about it.

Reality itself is neutral. There is an old Chinese proverb about a simple farmer who one day receives news that his old loving father in a faraway village has passed away. Although his neighbours grieve for him, the farmer’s reaction is: Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?

A little later, the farmer inherited from his father a fine horse of good breeding and the rest of the villagers gathered in delight to celebrate his good fortune. But the farmer’s reaction is the same: Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows? One day the horse escapes into the hills and the farmer’s neigbours sympathize with him over his bad luck. But he simply replies: Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?

A week later the horse returns with a herd of wild horses from the hills and while his neighbours congratulate him on his luck, the farmer replies: Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows? When the farmer’s son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off the horse and broke his leg. Everyone thought this was very bad luck except the farmer who thought: Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?  Several weeks later the army came through the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth except for the farmer’s son with the broken leg.

The moral of the story is of course that we really cannot say with any certainty whether any specific situation or event will turn out good or bad over time. But without ideas or words or understanding about reality, what’s left?

What’s left is only curiosity.

Curiosity comes from embracing not knowing. The know-it-all mind is a closed mind. When a mind is closed, it’s the mind itself that actually suffers. The mind uses erroneous beliefs to keep itself trapped. But a belief is just a thought that we keep thinking. When a thought (an interpretation of reality) is taken as a fact then we have a belief.

In this way, it is easy to get interpretations conflicting with our desires and leading us to worry. And this is not practical.

What is practical is to simply observe the here and now without opinions about it, as did the simple farmer in the Chinese village. If we have a need to interpret it, we can always choose to interpret it in a way that is in alignment with our desires. When the mind is not in conflict and confused, it does not worry.

Hypnotherapy is an excellent tool for helping people rid their minds of these types of conflicting thoughts and for aligning their thoughts with their desires. My client got in touch with different parts of herself. She accessed her guiding self – usually called our higher mind, or higher self, which is not trapped by thoughts, beliefs and associations. She realized that she could trust her whole self and that to be alive, there are no forces to be overcome but simply situations to accept and work with.

In your day-to-day life, when you find yourself starting to worry, here are two exercises that you can do:

1. You cannot have a feeling without a belief. There must be an unconscious belief that is not in alignment with what your higher self knows is true. In other words, when you feel a negative emotion, it’s your own higher self communicating with you that what you think or believe is not true to your heart. One way to find out the beliefs is to write down these statements:

I choose to worry because I believe I need to.
I need to worry because it serves me.
Worrying serves me because __________________________________.

Take your time answering this question. Try and bring a stillness to your mind as you would achieve in a hypnotic trance. The purpose is to use these statements to really go inside, quietly get in touch with the inner space that these statements speak to, or resonate with, then allow the final part to surface itself.

Some of the common beliefs that I have seen when working with clients who are in a hypnotic state are:

“I need others’ approval to feel I’m okay.”
“Without worrying, my loved ones wouldn’t know that I care.”
“Bad things can happen if everything goes well.”
“I can’t deal with the unknown.”

2. If you worry chronically, then set aside a specific time of about 15 minutes every day that you dedicate to worry. Whenever you catch yourself starting to worry outside that time, tell yourself, “It’s not time yet. I’ll make a note (or mental note) and will worry at the dedicated time.” When that time comes, honour this decision, and really whole-heartedly start to worry. Make up the worst-case scenarios. Scare yourself as much as you can. When the time is up, stop, and let yourself know that you can continue the next day.

Try it for a while. You may be surprised by the results!

It is not advised to do this exercise first thing in the morning, or last thing at night.

For more on worrying, please visit this page.